Congratulations new gamer-parent! You’re now the proud slave of a fresh human!
One thing you’ll find is that it’s extremely difficult, in the early stages, to keep your fresh human smelling that way. I’m an experienced slave of THREE fresh-ish humans myself. One thing I can tell you is that, early on, they excrete some pungent solids and liquids. These odoriferous emanations come in some amazing textures and colours, and in what seems to be impossible amounts! The volume coming OUT of the baby, when weighed and tallied, is greater than the TOTAL MASS of the squirming pink squishy. This leads me to believe that fresh humans are larger on the inside, like some sort of dung-TARDIS. (TURDIS?)
That’s why you need…
Awesometastic Wonder Wipes for the Frugal or Just Plain Cheap
(Exerpt from the “Parenting: The Insomnolence” LARP System Reference Document)
I shit you not (no pun intended), these wipes work better than store bought wipes that cost many times more.
Ingredients (Pictured Below):
1 Roll of Bounty paper towel, cut in half
1 Large Margarine Container
2 Tbsp Baby Shampoo (Crown Royal Back subbing)
2 Tbsp Baby Oil (Crystal Head Vodka subbing)
2 Measuring Cups Hot Water (not pictured)
1 Tbsp rubbing alcohol (Optional. We never used this ingredient.)
1 Bread Knife *Do NOT let your wife catch you, especially if you use the good electric one! *
Step 1: Cutting the Paper Towel Roll
Using your wife’s best electrical bread knife, cut the paper towel in half while she’s breastfeeding or otherwise occupied.
Add 2 tablespoons of baby shampoo to the EMPTY margarine container. We didn’t have any baby shampoo to picture for this technical reference, so I used my old friend Crown Royal Black.
Add 2 tablespoons of baby oil to the baby shampoo in the margarine container. We didn’t have any of that either so I asked my other friend, Crystal Head Vodka, to step in.
Add 2 measuring cups of hot water to the baby shampoo and baby oil mixture. This is where you would add the rubbing alcohol as well if you are going to add that optional ingredient.
Drop in one of the half rolls of paper towel.
Close the lid well and flip the container over. Wait 30 minutes to 1 hour for the mixture to soak through the entire half roll of paper towel. When the paper towel is saturated, you have your wipes! Enjoy!
***Caution: Children cause drinking. Child responsibly.***